12/26/10

Astrology Jokes

Astrology Jokes:

"CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he is dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats.

A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a 'job evaluation' type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived).

Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long."

..
.ero
.
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12/19/10

“OLD PEOPLE'S” MEMORY TEST

Noel Neill as Lois Lane in Stamp Day for SupermanImage via Wikipedia

“OLD PEOPLE'S” MEMORY TEST

This is not a pushover test. There are 20 questions. Average score is 12.  This one will be very difficult for the younger set.

Have fun, but no peeking! When you forward this to your friends/family, put your score in the subject line and

let them know your score. Don't forget to forward it to me, as well. Good luck youngsters!!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil


 

2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...

A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay


 

3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...

A. It's you
B. He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D.. He wasn't home
E. He's really me an
F. We quit
G. He surrendered


 

4. Good night David.

A. Good night Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night Irene
D.. Good night Gracie
E. See you later alligator
F.. Until tomorrow
G. Good night Steve


 

5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...

A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F.. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent


 

6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob D enver was Dobie's friend...

A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo


 

7. Liar, liar..

A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G I'm telling Mom


 

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and...

A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F.. The American way
G. News headlines

 

9. Hey kids!  What time is it?

A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B.. It's time to do your homework
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time

10. Lions and tigers and bears...

A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh my
F. Help! Help!
G. Let's run

 

11. Bob D ylan advised us never to trust anyone...

A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu

 

12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings...

A. Troy Aikman
B Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway

 

13. Brylcream.

A. Smear it on
B You'll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D Grease ball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya

 

14. I found my thrill...

A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill

 

15.. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...

A.. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno

 

16. Name the Beatles....

A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F.. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo

 

17. I wonder, wonder, who..

A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?

 

18. I'm strong to the finish....

A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E.. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto

 

19.. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...

A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
B.. Smile, you're on Star Search
C Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we're watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you're a hit
G. Smile, you're on TV

 

20. What do M&M's do?

A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G Come in colors

=
=
=

 

Below are the right answers:


1. D - Wonder Bread
2. G - Cassius Clay
3. B - He Is Us
4. A - Good night, Chet
5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. D - Maynard G. Krebbs
7. C - Pants On Fire
8. F - The  American Way
9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time
10. E - Oh My
11. D - Over 30
12.. C - Joe Namath
13. G - A little dab'll do ya
14. G - On Blueberry Hill
15. B - Mary Martin
16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. D - Who wrote the book of Lov
18. B - Cause I eats me spinach
19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20. F - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand 

PUT YOUR SCORE ON THE SUBJECT LINE BEFORE BEFORE PASSING IT ON

 


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12/11/10

how was I born?

Daddy, how was I born? 

A little
 boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'  

The 
father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  YourMom and I first got together in a chat roomon Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mailwith your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, and googledeach other.  There your mother agreed to adownload from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Upappeared that said:  


Scroll down...You'll love this 
....... 


 
 
 
 
 
 

 




mailbox:///home/renette/.thunderbird/hpula3tt.default/Mail/mail.maranatha.co-1.za/Inbox?number=1383684029&part=1.2&filename=image001.gif

'You got Male!
 

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12/10/10

Hitler Sings


Season 3

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics

A sad little Hitler sings to himself in German while sitting around in Hell, but then Satan shows up and brightens the mood.






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Chili Cook-Off

Ristras of jalapeños, other chili peppers, and...Image via Wikipedia{via Jimbo}|

=====================================


Chili Cook-Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a
major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.


Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off..
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Go od balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it i n through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

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12/8/10

that little thing?

the things that are the same for everyone: the universal.
the things that are different: the personal.


that little dance right there.
that little thing?
thats God.
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